Tag Archives: Parenting and Relationships I

Dear Lady Jane

One of the scariest places in life is a Nursing Home, it’s like being under Lock down. They think for you, they Breathe for you, they even tell you when they think you are Dead, when you are right there and some Idiot behind a stethoscope is saying that you are. Jane was a great Friend of mine, I met her while working in a Nursing Home, our meeting was designed by Faith. My first Day of work I was assigned the west Wing where she resided. On first contact I entered her Room and introduced myself, letting her know what services I was there to perform. Must have been my mannerism, but we bonded instantly. Jane was an eighty years old Irish Lady from the old Country, filled with Brogue and Flaherty-generous-ruler-well behaved . She recounted to me how she had made it to this point, including when she entered fine Homes through the Back Door as a Domestic, how the Nursing Home sold her Home to pay for her upkeep, and how her Children were negligent. I consoled her letting her know that her situation wasn’t unique, I told her that Children have a way of forgetting all that their Parents have done for them. From that day on I had adopted a Mother.

I mentioned this to my own Mother by calling her my #1 Mother, in her state of Dementia, she asked me how many Mothers do you have, as square as a Box. I explained to her that she would always be #1 however Jane would also be a mother in my life. As long as both Mothers lived I dedicated at least one hour a Day seven days a week, which I used to keep them grounded and focused. When Dementia is your enemy, you need a friend each and every Day to give you that moment of clarity. Without that moment of clarity, your whole Day is a Fog. When I met Jane she was one hundred percent Bed ridden, would not eat and withdrawn from Life. Within a short time I got her to eat, socialize and exercise physically and mentally to the point of having her Meals in the Dining Room. I was proud of my efforts to rehabilitate her even though that was not my Job. The entire staff was amazed by what I had accomplished with Jane, knowing that they had given up on her as she had given up on life herself. My friendship gave her the encouragement needed to deal with the Bungee drop of a Nursing Home.

With Dementia, once they realize that they are losing it, and always in a state of confusion, they withdraw and slip into depression. It’s for you the live wire to put the spark in their lives by extending yourself to them, you listen no matter how foolish or far fetched their stories, never patronize them or tell them that you don’t believe them. Most importantly always tell them that you Love them, in my case I was not just blowing Smoke. I truly Loved them both, I should be wiser than Salomon, as long as I can remember I have always enjoyed the company of older people, drawing on their knowledge and wisdom that age has bestowed. As I have mentioned in earlier pots, even at fifteen I was hanging out with grown-up people. I attribute my Education to these people, the only thing School taught me was to Read and Write, everything thing else, how to be a Man, a friend, a model Citizen, a Human, a good Neighbor, everything that matters in how to Live and interact, they taught me. My Mom’s did a great job on me that is why I am compelled to carry on their Legacy.

I Trespassed on Lady Jane, inquiring about her past, her youth, the high points and the lows in her Life, I asked for advice on Relationships and Life. She didn’t Minced Words, after all the age disparities were great, so if she called me a Fool, I said yes Ma’am. Dementia Patients love to talk about their past their long term Memory is usually much better than the short term Memory. Jane and I was great friends for life and beyond, every morning after clocking in, I would go to her Room and give her a kiss. A Nursing Home can be a wretched place for Neglect, Incompetence and poor care. After all the time and effort put in bringing her back to the living, one fateful morning I went to her Room to give her kiss, as I had always done once we became friends. She said Toony, that’s how she pronounced Tony, I feel something awful, I kissed her Forehead. Now I had an awful feeling, she was cold as Ice as if the Heart had stopped and the Brain was on borrowed time.

I alerted the Nurse on duty at the Nurse’s Station, who just happened to be the assistant Nursing Director. She was someone totally inept and unfit for the job she held, but educated in how to push paper, which is a Nurse’s primary function in a Nursing Home. Incidentally the visiting Doctors are equally inept with their Moonlighting efforts. When the assistant Nursing Director finally got around to going to Jane’s aid she placed her Hand on Jane’s Forehead, quickly exited the Room, did not take any Blood pressure, didn’t use a stethoscope, but she informed me that my Friend was ok. Now this was someone I overheard telling another Nurse that she didn’t know how to do CPR, yet she was the Assistant director of Nursing. Within a half an hour the news struck me like a Hammer, my sweet Lady Jane was Dead. From that day on I hold a deep Contempt for incompetence in the Workplace, no matter where. It’s like a Sacrifice in Dying, her’s opened my Eyes to the Danger of Nursing Homes.

Your Friend Tooney

Seen Or Heard

20161213_123722Back in the old days that was the norm, Children should be seen and not heard. That phrase inhibited a lot of self esteem and psychological growth. In today’s society the norm should be Parents should not be seen or heard. Exposing Kids to grown-up life behavior and arguments should be considered child abuse. Things like sexuality Drug use and vulgar language should not be brandish in front of them. My kids have never witnessed our arguments, or overhead us berating, belittling, name calling or outright verbal assault of each other. Number one, we respect each other and the Kids to take part in such negative existence. Without mutual respect we never would have lasted thirty six years. Number two kids are like sponges they absorb everything you put in front of them. I was introduced to sex at eleven years old by an overactive fourteen years old Girl, if you put everything in front of them Monkey see Monkey do.

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Sitting at my friend’s Kitchen table during a debate between Mother and Child, the nine years old boy called his Mother the B word, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Never have I witnessed this kind of behavior from a child to his loving Mother. Do you see the future woman abuser? She asked him why he called her that, he responded Daddy says you are. What I extracted from the conversation was at some point the Mother had told the Kid not to do something, he complained to Dad and he responded dont mind your Mother she is a B…h. My God what horrendous Parenting. Another four years old I knew used the F word frequently copying his Dad. Parents can be the worst influence on Kids. Just about every living Organisms on this Earth can reproduce, Plants, Birds, Animals and Humans. As for the latter it comes with responsibility of nurturing, training and moulding. A great number of us making Babies are oblivious to the huge responsibility ahead, and are irresponsible with the task of parenting.

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Having Children is a life changing experience, if your existence before was reckless and unbecoming of a parent, all that should change for the benefit of the Child. I am not saying that you should go through Religious Transformation. However certain adults behavior should be curtailed in front of Children. As I have said they are like sponges, they absorb their environment, your bad traits, vulgarity bad lifestyle and all. If you have no principles scruples or temperance, neither will they. Plan Parenthood should be of World Wide focus in the same League as Child abuse,Alcoholism,Drug addiction. Having Children in a moment’s pleasure with no game plan of accepting the role of Parenting, is a slap in the face of God’s Decree, go forth and Procreate. Procreation comes with the huge responsibility of care and upbringing. By not accepting the responsibility, all you are doing is littering the world.

Looking Through Closed Eyes

The taught came to me while looking at the sun, I closed my eyes but I could see the glare and the membrane lines. Everything else was nonexistent, flashback to my adolescence when I was a big little Thief Mother was looking right at me and did not see me. She’s not the only Parent who looks at their Kids through closed eyes. It happens every day, a good Student’s grade drops, there’s an underlying cause. Preoccupation with friends, games, sex Drugs  or whatever. The vigilant Parent see and notice all, and addresses the problem before someone gets into trouble, and become a parent , and have to put school on hold for the rest of their life. Before he gets tired of smoking Pot and and moves on to Crack and the likes. Before he becomes a game Junkie and decides to emulate Peter Pan . Before he graduates from petty Thief to racking up a string of Grand Larceny. My Mother told me a story at a young age I don’t know if it’s true or it is a Parable, about to be executed, a young Man called his Mother close to the Bars so he could tell her something. He bit her Ear off and told her that’s for not telling me that I could not get away with murder.

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How quintessence for a parent looking through closed eyes Joey had start killing at the early age of four,Bugs to Frog to Chickens to small animals, all the time with gusto and satisfaction. The Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting occurred December fourteen 2012, in Newtown Connecticut when twenty year old Adam Lanza fatally shot twenty children between the ages of six and seven years old, as well as six adult staff members. Prior to driving to School  Lanza shot and killed his Mother at their Newtown home where she afforded him many Guns and  the accessability to thei’r use, while showing deviant personality and being  withdrawn, Mental illness is a part of our lives, detection and treatment avoids catastrophe.  Now her eyes are closed forever because she did not see. with early detection and intervention all could have been avoided.

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None so Blind as those who refuse to see, in an earlier Post the Alexanders lived in a House where all five Children used Drugs, no doubt they saw the Glare and refused to see the ugly truth. If you see something that isn’t Kosher it is your job to inquire and investigate . I would prefer my Kid to hate me and be alive, than to love my laid back ways and be dead, from my failure to intercede, by looking through closed Eyes. In high School watching him going through one relationship after another after another and not sitting them down to find the cause of all the failed Relationships . Later on he gets Married after his fifth Wife, always complaining and blaming  these damming  Women. Suddenly you can see even with your eyes closed.

 

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Living Two Lives

20161213_182723It is imperative for Parents to monitor, intercede and mold their children’s lives. However there is a line, they are individuals who needs to make their own decisions and choices. If you overbear early and beyond, you are thinking for them and hampering their development as adults. Alternatively you should be prepping them for adulthood, to be individual thinkers and decision makers. These skills are the fiber of maturity, you wean them from early feeding habits, why wouldn’t you wean them from psychological dependence. What do they do if you die while they are Teenagers who always had you to think and do for them. Not learning these skills and responsibility early in life, they are now thrown in the real world naked of the protection these skills provide, and alone. You have failed them as Parents not teaching them the things they needed to know to live.

There is Beauty within all of us

I have known grown men in their forties who could not formulate an opinion or make an immediate decision. Kids advance when they can think and make decisions for themselves early in life. With these abilities they learn to cope in the real world of adulthood. How many grown ups do you know whose lives are a mess, financially, bad relationships and psychological turmoil. With that being said let’s move on to the Parent who choose to live their children’s life. Aaron always wanted to be a professional Athlete who never made it, so now he is going to push his kid over the cliff, trying to relive his past through his kid. There is a difference in wanting the best for your child and wanting to live their lives. Trying to mold a child in to what he is not or never will be turns into torture for a child. For instance the kid is not a natural at whatever you are molding, athlete or scholar. Joey goes to practice religiously, his heart is not in it, he only does it for his overzealous Dad. He perseveres only to keep Dad from berating and belittling him, with short comings, Dad withholds his affections and adoration. That is horrendous parenting.

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On the other hand a parent that shows no interest in his Child’s athletic interests or any other is just as bad. While working in a Nursing Home I met a man in advance stages of Dementia.His wife told me the tragic story of his youth, when the Yankees scouted him to be a player, offered him a contract to play with the team. The young athlete turned down the offer, not giving himself the chance to find out if he could be another great Yankee. All because his Dad told him if you leave home, a small rural community in N.E. PA, you are no son of mine. What selfish and archaic Parenting. While vegetating in a Nursing Home the quickest way to burrow into the window shades of Dementia was talking Base Ball. How sad. The most rewarding aspect of parenting is to make the transition of total dependency, to independence from being controlled by us to controlling themselves. By not learning to control themselves, they become problems for society and themselves. Not knowing when to stop drinking or other self destructive paths. Being totally dependent on a spouse, they get divorced and they are lost, because they never learned independence. One should never try to live their children’s lives, but teach them to live their own lives.

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The Modern Parents

Too many of us Parents adopt our Parents technique in trying to raise our kids. Their style worked for them because it was a different time, we are living in a new time with new ideology, in the age of communication. These factors have changed the way young people view life and parenting. Kids grow up way faster than we did, with all the learning media available , they are much smarter than us at their age. That is why parenting is an ongoing learning situation. we should equip ourselves to deal with the ongoing challenge, of molding a young individual to develop adult behavior, thinking, and responsibilities. Kids need to learn the art of communication, no yelling , tantrums and fits. Agree to disagree with respect for the other’s position. They need to learn gratitude and appreciation for all you do and all life affords them. If you can accomplish all this your work will be a major success in developing a world class citizen.20161213_123948

 

In our parents time kids did not disagree with their parents, without consequences. The days of iron fisted ruling are long gone. If you treat todays kids with that approach, the resentment could turn to hate and rebellion. The street and hanging with the wrong crowd could become a refuge from the Dictatorship atmosphere at home. When I was fourteen I started smoking weed and hanging in the streets. I had the worse case of Rebel without a Cause, in my days if you were bad you were good. My Mother found her fourteen year old ounce of weed flushed it down the toilet, not a word of reprimand, no ass whipping no tantrum, no berating. while franticly searching the house, she said if you are looking for what I think you are looking for, I think you should start looking for a job, because you are working your way out the door. You can’t be more direct and blunt than that for a single parent raising two male children. One should always develop confidence, trust and understanding with their children. Her trust and confidence that I would see the light with positive communication turned my life around before twenty one. Raising two boys wasn’t easy we tested her every step of the way. If this avenue is not approached, a young person makes a mistake with no where to turn, they make tragic decisions on their own not having an understanding shoulder to cry on.

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One of the greatest gift you can bestow on your kids is understanding letting them know that when they makes mistakes, and screw up that you are there for them. Every one deserves a second chance to rebound from failure and bad choices. If there is any one among you with no sins let them cast the first stone. patience ,understanding and love, are cornerstones of a good parent child relationship. Telling a kid that you never did that as a kid or you would get your teeth slapped out is antique communication. Tell the kid that you do not appreciate that type of attitude, language or behavior, and as long as you are the responsible party having the job of keeping a roof over this family’s head, you would appreciate them refraining themselves from certain behavior. As I mentioned earlier they are much smarter they understand, that you are telling them that you are not putting up with their transgressions, without going off the deep end. When kids disobey you don’t act impulsive and irrational, all will live to regret that impassionate moment. When my boys were in their early teens, I bought them two expensive Bicycles. I told them what time to be home after school. They slighted my request, after several failure on their part to comply with my request, I destroyed the Bikes, their esteem for me and my generosity and my hard earned money . Who was the looser? kids can mature to be solid thinkers and responsible adults with our help, through positive communication, and leaving out the tantrums that we dislike in them.

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The Root Of Evil

20161214_084616Parenting is not a task taken on haphazardly. Poor parenting poses future problems for your kids, and society as a whole. Your greatest challenge is to prepare your child for the challenges of adulthood. Before they get there they need to know such things like responsibility, good decision making skills, and most of all relationships in all it’s endeavors. I recently read a story about a teenager, who wanted to borrow the family car to go to the biggest bash of the year. The car was not available, so he chose not to go, not out of dejectedness but of good decision making skills. He had observed the person he could have gotten a ride from, at other parties getting drunk and getting behind the wheel. On that faithful day five of his friends chose to ride with a drunk. At speed above eighty he ran off the road killing all. He is alive today because of one solid decision.  It’s a good feeling to have all that life affords you, and never needing anything in life. It’s another thing when you spoil kids rotten, giving them every thing they ask for. The trick is to be generous while teaching self fulfillment, self gratification and independence. The objective is to know that if you died prematurely, they could fend for themselves.” Momma may have, Poppa may have, but God bless the child that’s got his own”.

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I once met a man who was worth five hundred million dollars in nineteen seventy seven. He is probably worth three times multiplied today. I wish I could print his name because he deserve honorable mention. He was one of the humblest most down to earth person I have ever met in my lifetime. I did not have the education and wealth he possessed, but he treated me as an equal. My Cousin was a Seamstress who designed and fabricated his shirts and overcoats. While waiting to be fitted we sat in the living room, he conversed with me like we were of the same cut. Most people with a fraction of his wealth and education, you have to pull their heads from their intestine to see their face. They look down on less fortunate as inferiors, not worthy of their time of day. That is where upbringing comes in, If you were never taught humanity and humility your upbringing was flawed. Thinking that it doesn’t stink and that you are special are flaws of relationships. My Mother taught us that if they had to go to the bathroom and put their pants on one leg at a time as you did they were no better than you, only more fortunate and better educated.

 

This wealthy friend of mine, and I say friend not because he befriended me and had great conversations, but he had me fitted with a coat I could never afford as a token, something to remember the encounter. He was the salt of the Earth, telling me that when his two sons graduated College. Instead of giving them cushy jobs in his organization, he started them at the bottom. Giving the boys jobs as laborers on the road Construction end of the company. I said to him that sounds cruel and unjust for college educated people, he responded ” to teach them the value of a dollar”. That blew me away, I was twenty one years old. That was like going to College and completing a four years economics course in one hour. That was parenting in its highest form, he was not about to make them Rock Star rich and irresponsible.

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My friend Jenifer was the total opposite, she was handed everything in life. At seventeen she was given a brand new Cadillac, at twenty one she married a Millionaire. She was taught to worship money, my Mother taught us to never say your prayers to the almighty Dollar. Jenifer was taught the opposite. The man she married was a Pig, he would go to Vegas and drop a lot of money. Being a sore looser he would come home and take it out on her. He would give her horrific beatings, breaking bones and all. She stayed and took the brutalization for the security of the almighty Dollar. ” Be careful of what you ask for in life you just might get it”. The Children were horrified by the environment, the walls have ears, their personality projected their mother’s inundated existence. How cruel of this Mother to subject her Children to this abuse, all in the name of having money. She is failing her children, the same way her parents failed her teaching that the end justifies the means.

 

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