Monthly Archives: November 2016

Only Child

20161213_123655James was born to two lovely people for Parents, they both loved him tremendously, but not each other. They separated early after he was born. They  stop loving each other, but not James. They showered him with love and affluence all his life, never teaching him responsibility and respect for relationships. Even though separated his Father spent time with him, and for his lack of parenting he showered him with all he needed and didn’t. However he did not teach him the things he needed to know about being a Man, a Husband and a Parent. The same was true of the Mother, he was the Apple of her eyes, a reminder of what a handsome Man his Father is, the first and only Love of her life. I imagined the child was a Shrine of her love for his Father.

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With all this Love and pampering neither took the time to teach the child the things that are most important in life, and in a relationship, honesty, trust and faithfulness. As the child grew up started in Junior High he matured into a Player of great magnitude. He knew he was good looking and possessed great conversational skills, and he used his gifts to shatter young Girl’s Heart. In High School he was a Lady Killer he would pull them in with his charm, chew them up and spit them out one after the other after the other. If this Boy chose to be a Pimp he would have been the most successful Pimp ever. In retrospect he was a Chip of the old block, that’s why his Father left he and his Mother in such a short while, he was too good for one Woman. Be careful of how you live your lives your Kids are watching, you are sowing the seeds of unfaithfulness unwittingly and all the bad traits you possess they soak them up like a Sponge, and indent them into their own lives.

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You teach them all the things they need to know to be successful in life, why not relationships. All through his life he was given everything his Heart desired as an only Child, now all grown up he equates women to things. It’s an absolute tragedy in Parenting, you teach your Children everything they need to know to progress into adulthood, except Relationships, how sad. I neglected to mention that in Athletic James was awesome, he excelled in Football, Soccer and Track and Field. When we were nineteen we had a match Race we covered the hundred yard dash in fifteen seconds. One do not need to wonder if he was great in Bed. The tragedy for me was when he Married a childhood friend of mine. Lisa was  the most loving trusting person in the World she did not deserve this. One of the hardest things I have done in my life was to keep my mouth shut before the Wedding took place. They were both my friends, it tore me apart staying neutral. If I am not mistaken he started cheating on her while she was Pregnant, with the only Child he gave her. The cycle continued the only child of an only Child. Needless for me to say the Marriage was slated for disaster and failure, while the second only child soaked up all the ugliness, from the fallouts of a man who was not a Travelling Salesman, but would be missing for a whole week. I do not know how the Marriage lasted six years without someone getting killed. Within that period he accumulated a string of women in every State including Canada. All my childhood friends and I became disconnected early in our adult lives. None of our Parents taught us the secrets of relationships, unyielding love, trusting and caring for one another. Case in Point your eight year old is complaining about his best friend , no better time to introduce him to the subject of Relationships.                                                                20161213_122107

Living Two Lives

20161213_182723It is imperative for Parents to monitor, intercede and mold their children’s lives. However there is a line, they are individuals who needs to make their own decisions and choices. If you overbear early and beyond, you are thinking for them and hampering their development as adults. Alternatively you should be prepping them for adulthood, to be individual thinkers and decision makers. These skills are the fiber of maturity, you wean them from early feeding habits, why wouldn’t you wean them from psychological dependence. What do they do if you die while they are Teenagers who always had you to think and do for them. Not learning these skills and responsibility early in life, they are now thrown in the real world naked of the protection these skills provide, and alone. You have failed them as Parents not teaching them the things they needed to know to live.

There is Beauty within all of us

I have known grown men in their forties who could not formulate an opinion or make an immediate decision. Kids advance when they can think and make decisions for themselves early in life. With these abilities they learn to cope in the real world of adulthood. How many grown ups do you know whose lives are a mess, financially, bad relationships and psychological turmoil. With that being said let’s move on to the Parent who choose to live their children’s life. Aaron always wanted to be a professional Athlete who never made it, so now he is going to push his kid over the cliff, trying to relive his past through his kid. There is a difference in wanting the best for your child and wanting to live their lives. Trying to mold a child in to what he is not or never will be turns into torture for a child. For instance the kid is not a natural at whatever you are molding, athlete or scholar. Joey goes to practice religiously, his heart is not in it, he only does it for his overzealous Dad. He perseveres only to keep Dad from berating and belittling him, with short comings, Dad withholds his affections and adoration. That is horrendous parenting.

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On the other hand a parent that shows no interest in his Child’s athletic interests or any other is just as bad. While working in a Nursing Home I met a man in advance stages of Dementia.His wife told me the tragic story of his youth, when the Yankees scouted him to be a player, offered him a contract to play with the team. The young athlete turned down the offer, not giving himself the chance to find out if he could be another great Yankee. All because his Dad told him if you leave home, a small rural community in N.E. PA, you are no son of mine. What selfish and archaic Parenting. While vegetating in a Nursing Home the quickest way to burrow into the window shades of Dementia was talking Base Ball. How sad. The most rewarding aspect of parenting is to make the transition of total dependency, to independence from being controlled by us to controlling themselves. By not learning to control themselves, they become problems for society and themselves. Not knowing when to stop drinking or other self destructive paths. Being totally dependent on a spouse, they get divorced and they are lost, because they never learned independence. One should never try to live their children’s lives, but teach them to live their own lives.

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The Modern Parents

Too many of us Parents adopt our Parents technique in trying to raise our kids. Their style worked for them because it was a different time, we are living in a new time with new ideology, in the age of communication. These factors have changed the way young people view life and parenting. Kids grow up way faster than we did, with all the learning media available , they are much smarter than us at their age. That is why parenting is an ongoing learning situation. we should equip ourselves to deal with the ongoing challenge, of molding a young individual to develop adult behavior, thinking, and responsibilities. Kids need to learn the art of communication, no yelling , tantrums and fits. Agree to disagree with respect for the other’s position. They need to learn gratitude and appreciation for all you do and all life affords them. If you can accomplish all this your work will be a major success in developing a world class citizen.20161213_123948

 

In our parents time kids did not disagree with their parents, without consequences. The days of iron fisted ruling are long gone. If you treat todays kids with that approach, the resentment could turn to hate and rebellion. The street and hanging with the wrong crowd could become a refuge from the Dictatorship atmosphere at home. When I was fourteen I started smoking weed and hanging in the streets. I had the worse case of Rebel without a Cause, in my days if you were bad you were good. My Mother found her fourteen year old ounce of weed flushed it down the toilet, not a word of reprimand, no ass whipping no tantrum, no berating. while franticly searching the house, she said if you are looking for what I think you are looking for, I think you should start looking for a job, because you are working your way out the door. You can’t be more direct and blunt than that for a single parent raising two male children. One should always develop confidence, trust and understanding with their children. Her trust and confidence that I would see the light with positive communication turned my life around before twenty one. Raising two boys wasn’t easy we tested her every step of the way. If this avenue is not approached, a young person makes a mistake with no where to turn, they make tragic decisions on their own not having an understanding shoulder to cry on.

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One of the greatest gift you can bestow on your kids is understanding letting them know that when they makes mistakes, and screw up that you are there for them. Every one deserves a second chance to rebound from failure and bad choices. If there is any one among you with no sins let them cast the first stone. patience ,understanding and love, are cornerstones of a good parent child relationship. Telling a kid that you never did that as a kid or you would get your teeth slapped out is antique communication. Tell the kid that you do not appreciate that type of attitude, language or behavior, and as long as you are the responsible party having the job of keeping a roof over this family’s head, you would appreciate them refraining themselves from certain behavior. As I mentioned earlier they are much smarter they understand, that you are telling them that you are not putting up with their transgressions, without going off the deep end. When kids disobey you don’t act impulsive and irrational, all will live to regret that impassionate moment. When my boys were in their early teens, I bought them two expensive Bicycles. I told them what time to be home after school. They slighted my request, after several failure on their part to comply with my request, I destroyed the Bikes, their esteem for me and my generosity and my hard earned money . Who was the looser? kids can mature to be solid thinkers and responsible adults with our help, through positive communication, and leaving out the tantrums that we dislike in them.

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